Sunday, December 30, 2007

Sunday Night Football

So the game tonight matters a ton to the Titans, and not in any way to the Colts. I hope we kick the shit out of them.

Either way, one thing remains constant. We play in the toughest division in the league.

(Assuming a Colts win, either way the division numbers do not change.)

Indy - 14 and 2
Jags - 11 and 5
Titans - 9 and 7
Texans - 8 and 8

Which gives our division a 65.625% win to loss ratio with EVERY TEAM at least playing at five hundred. Comparing this to other divisions:

NFC East - 62.5% - With two tough teams in the Cowboys and Giants, 13-3 and 10-6 are two respectable records. And I have no love for the Cowboys or Giants (I don't care if he is a Manning), so the respect is earned. The Redskins made the playoffs, which didn't impress me simply because Dallas had nothing to lose today, but that made them a 3 playoff team division.

NFC North - 54.688% - Home of the Packers at 13-3, where you just can't hate Brett Favre. The guy is like that friendly uncle. You know the one. The guy that sends you a $15 Target gift card on your birthday, and it's cool because none of your other uncles and aunts sends you anything. No? Just me? Well I like the guy.

AFC North - 50.00% - This COULD HAVE BEEN the toughest division in the league. But things in Cincinnati and Baltimore have fallen apart and put them right at the half. Don't let that number fool you. Every team in this division can beat anyone else in the league...

AFC East - 43.75% - This division is home to the league's best and worst record. The obligatory "Fuck The Patriots" comment must follow. When you get to play six games against teams that could only put together a playoff season IF YOU COMBINED ALL OF THEIR WINS... No wonder they got 16 wins. The regular season is over, so it means nothing.

NFC South - 42.188% - It's one of the worst division records in the league, but...

AFC West - 40.625% - Nobody can ever forget that John Elway is retired and now the Broncos suck so the Chargers head up the best of the worst. That and the subtle fact that...

NFC West - 40.625% - The NFC West remains tied as the current basement of the league. As much as everyone here expects me to adopt the Seahawks, I'm just not a sell out. And if I was a sell out, I still couldn't do it. The Hawks squeak into the playoffs every year and ever since that Superbowl theft loss to the Steelers, the city has had this "it's owed to us" attitude... Fuck that, they should have beat the Bears last year, and then lost to the Colts in XLI. One losing season and this city would sell them out so fast... Just look at the Sonics and Mariners.
As for the division. Hey, maybe Leinart one day will lead the Cardinals to the division lead. I just don't see it happening anytime soon.

What does all of this mean? Nothing, it's just a fun exercise in numbers that justify a 14-2 record (or maybe 13-3). We're still the reigning champs...

The playoffs start next week, and that means that I need to hope that the Seahawks win a few more games just to keep the beer flowing liberally locally... As for the rest of the games, sorry GGW, we're going back to the dance! GO COLTS!!!!

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Not A Lack Of Effort

So it's not that I'm not trying to post something in the past few days, I've just had the biggest creative block going on in history. And not just here...

At work I had the task of coming up with THE SUPERBOWL PROGRAM for a major retail chain's beer department. Every one of the chains stores will have my program in it, and it's one of the largest food retailers in the nation. FUCK!

And of course, it's not a simple as; "Well let's have them throw some beer on the floor and some Point Of Sale around it, la dee da..."

No, this has to comply with LAWS, which suck. God I am so glad that I never did the whole lawyer thing (sorry Jazz). Laws which limit what we can say, what we can do, and what we can have on the display. And this is where the NFL pisses me off (sorry Mike, and Girl In A Guys World):
-One beer company owns the rights to the term Superbowl and has the official NFL beer sponsorship which means that they can use EVERY team logo on a display while not highlighting ANY PARTICULAR team logo. The also have the exclusive rights to several team names and logos, thanks to licensing agreements. (This would be Coors)
-Another beer company has independently purchased the rights to many of the teams logos and names from the teams themselves (these would be the infamous licensing agreements again). And the NFL is OK with this. (This would be Bud)
-Yet another beer company has purchased the rights to a few more team names (thanks, Independent Licensing Agreement) which mattered to it due to local marketing issues. (This would be Miller)

Can't it just be ONE company that has the rights to the NFL and that's that?

So instead of being able to use every locality's team name on the displays (well, at least the ones that made it into the playoffs) I have to make sure that the program will work well in any NFL market without alienating fans or violating the law, while complying with the wonderful licensing agreements. And unfortunately, I can't just have this as a simple statement. "Hey fucktard, if we don't have the rights to the team in that market, please don't use the name on the display." No, I have to do some bullshit write up that keeps things "professional" because at this level people aren't getting paid to swear.

-It is imperative to remember that all Point Of Sale on this display must comply with the NFL's licensing agreements and the agreements of any team featured on the display. Please be sure to check with The Stormin Mormon if you have any questions about what; Point Of Sale material, NFL team merchandise, or NFL generic merchandise, you may want to include on your display. The enclosed diagrams and photos all include Point Of Sale material that has been approved for use in every market nationwide. The NFL and it's franchises, are the final say in this, and may need to be contacted for approval if any complaints should arise. The Licensing Agreements that have been made for the use of team names and logos, the NFL name and logo, and the Superbowl name and related logos (including XLII) are binding contracts that have cost millions of dollars. Please respect these investments while adding Point Of Sale to displays.

I don't think that's what I sent out verbatim (it was late yesterday) but it's pretty damn close.

So I finished designing the program yesterday, did a mock up of it (real life too, no Photoshop), and I moved 211 cases of beer around while integrating all of the P.O.S. When I was done I took photos, attached them to the email, and sent it out. Building the display took four and a half hours, I was tired, and I still had things to do. Damn...

Twenty minutes later I get a call, and I didn't look at the caller I.D.
I just answered it with my Bluetooth headset (I was still moving beer), and this is the conversation.

Unknown Male Caller - I don't say this a whole lot Stormin, but I am seriously impressed. Seriously impressed...

Stormin (No idea who this is so I'm looking at the caller ID as I respond) - Ya know what, I am really glad to hear that. (Seeing caller ID, the call is from the president of the beer company featured on the display... HOLY SHIT)

Prez - I just think this has to be one of the best display programs that I have seen in a long time. Superbowl or no Superbowl, this thing is amazing.

--- Note --- At this point, I think I could burn down the office where I work and get away with it. I've talked to this guy ONCE before and it was a brief meet and greet at a party a while ago. Here his is calling me personally to tell me this (and not letting it come down from his underlings to my boss, to me as would be the normal "AttaBoy" in this industry). This is a cool moment.

Stormin - Thanks. I really am glad that you like it.

Prez - Well, I wanted to let you know that I have forwarded my opinion along to all of the guys (prattles off a list of people that I'm sure I should know, but I did recognize a few names in there). I know that all of those names might not ring a bell, but those are our key account executives that deal with most of the retail chains in the nation. Display programs like yours are what I want them pitching. This is going to be on every desk, and featured at our Superbowl Kickoff meeting next week. I'd like you to make sure that you attend that one. I'll send you the info if you don't have it already.

Stormin - I was already planning on being their sir. (I was going to be sitting in the back... Goofing off probably, because those meetings are the biggest waste of my time.)

Prez - Good. Good. I'm coming into town for the meeting, and I want to make sure that I see you there.

Stormin - Then I'll see you in a week.

Prez - We'll have to have lunch. Thanks again Stormin, this thing you've put together is perfect.

Stormin - No sir, Thank You.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT... I think I just got that raise I was thinking about. ;-)

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

My Christmas Wish

Just came true...

It's snowing like crazy...

Merry Christmas Everyone.

Friday, December 21, 2007


So every once in a while you get a fortune cookie that must be discussed.

This is one of those times, but in order to make this into a coherent post I have to ad a back story to the whole thing, so here is how my day went.

After a week that was definitely overworking me (yeah, even by my sick and twisted definition of "overworked"), I planned on starting today a little later than normal and cutting out as soon as I had my work that I planned on for today finished. No extra tasks, no extra BS, I'd had enough of that this week already. Just a nine to five. In fact, not even nine to five. More like nine to three...

And in the beginning this looked like it would be possible. I had a ton of work that I wanted to do, but all of it should have been possible to do in the time that I had alloted for it.

Then someone was late. Which pushed a meeting back and put me behind.

Then another person was late, and put me even further behind.

And there was no end in sight to the cycle.

But, I put my mind to it and just began flying through work. Typing as fast as possible, keeping calls short, avoiding distractions, skipping lunch, and just busting my ass to get everything done. To relate it to something I love (but can't do thanks to my F'd up ACL) it's like sprinting at the end of a run. You're doing so much more, but you can see the end and so you make it work.

And then it was done, the day over, and I headed home. I changed out of my clothes (I can't sit around the house in a tie, it just doesn't work), and decided to take a HOT shower. Really hot. I find it to be the greatest way in the world to relax. And afterwards I sat down...

I could not have been paid to get up after that. And I was starving. So of course, the local Chinese restaurant is in my call log (like every man who lives by himself), and they deliver. Twenty minutes later I have a bag of delicious Chinese food at my house, and it was phenomenal.

And then there was my fortune:

No Shit Sherlock. I am the future president of the world, and I also happen to control the flow of beer... (Which will be a party platform when I usurp every world leader run for office.)

But it's always nice to be reminded. :-)

Monday, December 17, 2007

Good to be home...

Work is going to be a lot of fun over the next three weeks. Christmas, New Years, and the beginning of football playoffs.

I'll have a more comprehensive update soon.


I used the phrase "I missed you" in a conversation with M.V.N.
Her response was all that I could have hoped for; "I missed you too. It sucked."

Thursday, December 13, 2007

New Addition

No, not the shite 80's R&B group. That was New Edition...

There has been a new addition to the Blogroll. That's the thing over on the right with all of the people who are somehow crazy enough to associate with me. And by associate with me I mean allow me to read their blog, and occasionally stop by to leave some witty comments here or call me a douche (not saying I don't deserve that one sometimes, just pointing it out). I'm sure in real life, we'd have nothing to do with one another...


Stop by and visit: Laughing Through My Chardonnay when you have a chance. Her posts are definitely funny, and involve drunk shenanigans. Definitely my prefered reader base ;-)

New posts below about my parents house and an UPDATE on M.V.N. so read on...

Thank God For Text Messaging

And boo for the "Call Sender" option in the reply menu...

So instead of just going to bed, like I should have when I was hammered on great wine. I decided that I should text message M.V.N. before going to sleep. The following is the exact text of the conversation, thanks to the message log on my Treo:

S - "HEY, just wanted to say good night. Vacation has been a blast, and I am having way to much fun."

M.V.N. - "LOL, what have you and your parents been up to?"

S - "OH... MY... GAWD... I am d-runk... Someone take my phone away. My parents ordered wine with dinner. Lots..."

(Now we can all admit that I have an ellipsis problem. It is my way to indicate any pause in conversation longer than half a breath. I guess it comes from being from a bunch of old Germans who talk at autobahn speeds. If there is any pause, I must indicate that it occured, and I do it even when writing. Apparently this is magnified when I am drunk.)

M.V.N. - "I Heart You."

M.V.N. - "Where are you drunk at?"

S - "Reno. And I'm drunk. And I should shut up before I get into trouble."

M.V.N. - "You tard, I know you're in Reno. Where in Reno are you drunk?"

S - "Earlier, the steakhouse. My parents house, now. Just Let me water your plants..."

(That link should explain the comment, her and I laugh about it all of the time when people ask for favors or are staying at our houses.)

M.V.N. - "For the love of God, the boy is already watching your house, just let him water the damn plants. Somebody's got to do it."

S - "Hey, what are you doing Sunday? HINT: The correct answer is; "Having dinner with Stormin."



Of coure, my drunk ass picks it up.

The ensuing conversation is now a little hazy in memory. I think it was a little hazy at the time. All I recall is that I am having dinner with M.V.N. Sunday at 8PM, and I don't think I made to much of an ass of myself.

I'm sure that I did not say the words "miss you" even though I should have.

I am also sure that she is content with whatever our situation is because she's sent me messages almost every day since. So whatever I said, it didn't piss her off to much.

Posting From Your Parents House

So posting while on vacation is a royal pain in the ass...

I think that it's not the fact that I can't post, that's easily done from my cell phone. But the problem is that I really want to read everyone else's blog, and I'm at my parents house, using their computer...

So I am not sure if I want all of your blogs in their history folder. It's like having your friends over, when you know that your family will wonder who you hang out with, and what's wrong with them. ;-)

Do I want my parents looking up somthing in their history and stumbling onto this post:

Luv Ya Steph

Or perhaps this gem:

One Classy Woman!

Screw it, I'm on vacation, and that should mean that I get to blog all day and not worry about anything else. At least, that's the way I'll spin it.

PS: Wordverifuckation is begining to sexually harass me. "RUFLICK " Sound's kinky....

Monday, December 10, 2007

In The Bag

So perhaps it's the two and a half bottles of really good wine (thank you vacation, for allowing me to have a blast on a Monday)...

Perhaps it's the Two Thousand Miles...

Perhaps it's the lack of sex in the past four days (I'm only human)...

I really want to call M.V.N. and just tell her that I miss her something terrible, and can't wait to see her when I get back.

And I don't think it's the sex, or the wine (Opus One will do crazy things to you). I'm worried that the lack of her due to the two thousand miles actually has me missing her.

Or maybe I'm just tanked to the gills on great wine. You be the judge...

Saturday, December 8, 2007

For The Baster

So JodiFosterTurkeyBaster has been absent from the Blogosphere for some time, but I know he stops by to read from time to time. This is for him:

TNT had a Steven Segal marathon on today.

Merry F'in Christmas

Here I am on the second day of my vacation, and I decided to get a few Christmas cards for the people on my list that can't recieve an obscene Christmas card (which is what most people get).

The usual people are on this list...

Clients I like, and actually give a damn about.
Family that won't laugh at a joke about Christmas.
My Mom... (She'd laugh, but Christmas is worth letting her know how special she is. I send Dad the dirty cards.)

And while looking at cards, which every real man hates to do, I see a card that ruins my holiday spirit for the time being.

The "Hannah Montana Musical Christmas Card"...

Son of a bitch. Here I am trying to think about kindness and giving, and Billy Ray Cirus' kid is on the front of a damn Christmas card, that plays one of her damn songs.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Vacation Prep

Holy Shit...

I am just now finishing up work.

It is 11PM.

I've been at it since 5AM.

Boy I can not wait for this vacation. It's almost to the point of not being worth it.

Shockingly Loud

So this morning has already been an eventful one. My alarm went off at 5AM, which is shockingly loud when one is sound asleep, and for some reason I could not convince my body that it wasn't 3AM.


I don't know why...

The natural evolution of being up at 3AM must be to want to go back to sleep, but this isn't what I wanted. I just thought that it somehow must be 3AM and I wasn't going to be convinced otherwise. So I looked at my phone, my clock, my watch, and then turned on my computer. Every one of these devices alerted me that the correct time was in fact 5AM.

So here I am drinking coffee, typing on my blog, and thinking about my vacation that is coming up. I had decided that if I am going to be on vacation I may as well take Friday off because that day is useless when you have vacation coming up. So when scheduling my flight I managed to pick one at 8AM Friday morning... Take that, fools at work. By the time anyone might realize that they need me around I will be in Nevada.

So now I am realizing that today is my Thursday, tomorrow is my Friday, and Friday is not going to exist... And suddenly all of the crap that I have to do is falling into a very short period of time.

That and the small fact that I better do as much of it as possible today, because knowing that tomorrow is my Friday means that I'll probably slack tomorrow. ;-)

Sunday, December 2, 2007

I'm so proud...

free dating sites

This Site Rated "R"

I was worried that I would get a PG-13... Nope.

Mom's lock up your daughters. Dads hope you raised your sons right.

This bitch is not suitable for children...

(And posting this while hammered drunk with Miss Very Nice makes it all that much more fun. Read more below for why she kicks so much ass.)

An Anxiety To Post

So having posted every day for a month, it was the most difficult day yesterday because I WANTED to post something. But alas, I am not Bret Favre, Cal Ripken Jr, or Doug Jarvis, and I do not need to post every day...

Today would have been a total sports recap, but I felt like posting during the Colts game...

Yesterday was a great day, another date with Miss Very Nice, who manages to amaze me with some pretty impressive behavior. Mostly her football knowledge. We spent the evening at a restaurant managed by a friend of hers, which was her idea because he REFUSED to charge us for anything... It gets better.

I am a huge football fan, and the "date" was us drinking beers, eating pizza (really good pizza too), and watching the Washington Huskies game on TV. Some notable quotes from the evening.


Stormin: "I don't know why, but coming from you, that was sexy..."

MVN: "JESUS CHRIST, GET RID OF THE GOD DAMNED BALL LOCKER!!! Man this kid needs to work on his field vision. He couldn't find an open receiver if it was the only other player on the field..."

Stormin: "No Shit..."

MVN: "What? Why the look?"

Stormin: "It's just really cool that you're so into football."

MVN: "See this is why Brennan is a legitimate Heisman candidate. His team was getting the crap kicked out of them and he kept his poise and is leading them back. That and the whole 'ridiculous talent' thing... Completeing over two thirds of his passes is half of his games this season, 3500 yards, and a shot at 40 touchdowns... Fucker."

Stormin: (To myself) "Wow." (Outloud) "Yeah, I was thinking that too."

And then the coup de grace, right after Locker threw the interception to end the game. It was a pass that would have generated a tie and the game would have gone to overtime (had the pass been complete and not intercepted)... Which made it the Huskies coup de grace...

MVN: "And just like that, we 'COUG'D IT'."

Watching her watch football is definitely the most fun date that I have ever been on...